We’re going to discuss the amazing combination, with which I first met the vector psychology and its author Victor Tolkachev 20 years ago. Then, in February 1994, I was on the verge of doing something desperate because my internal conflict. And, of course, I had no idea that the reason is the two "opposite" vectors, which I was gifted by birth.
"These two vectors are fits
like a lock and a key "
Red (urethral) and Brown (anal) vectors in personal relationships
What similarity the Fastest and the Slowest could possibly have in common?
The first who “steps on people’s head” to achieve his aim and the second, whose main value is a justice.
The first who adore sexual experiments and the second, who are too afraid of any changes.
When the Red and Brown meet each other, everyone has a feeling that the man in front of him is from another planet. And happy family life and their marriage seems illusion. After all, we used to expect an agreement with our own values, but here is the other situation…
But, for real, red and black vectors are missing each other very much.
- The Red easy can start any business, but he needs someone who will continue and finish it. The Brown, vice versa, needs the leader – he could never join in the process by his own.
- Red is rushing forward on a wild speed, he needs someone who is going to slow his down a little bit (otherwise he will miss even his cherished dream!). The Brown needs strong push to turn him off from being stuck in the past.
- Red tends to the top – to new achievements and heights, he needs someone who will be periodically “grounded”, i.e. someone who will slow him down and make him stop. Otherwise, he will lose the contact with reality. The Brown sometimes should jump out of his ordinary interests to finally take a look at the Divine.
This list can be continued indefinitely. But how to make people see each other as the halves capable to compounds but not the opposite sides? We have to change the focus of attention. Instead of asking: “Do you look like me? If yes, so how?”, you can ask the question: “How can you complement me?”. As you’ve already noticed, these two vectors complement each other perfectly.
Take it as experiment: if I ask some people one question “Imagine, this car has only one pedal – which of them will you choose?
- Red people will answer “Gas” without any doubt. “Gas, otherwise, the car won’t go anywhere!”
- Brown people will answer “Brake, otherwise it will go nowhere”
- Violet people will answer “Clutch”… But they always are… Violet.
But if you offer to choose two pedals, the answer is usually predictable. (There are, of course, abnormal red people - they will choose both gas pedals).
We greatly feel the unity of opposites in mechanics, but we’re unconsciously looking for the same people for personal relationship. We think that a man who is similar to us (someone who shares our values), will be our ideal partner. But it’s only partially true.
In fact, the ideal partner partially should be similar to us (including his vectors). He should have opposite qualities. Such couple brings satisfaction and personal growth for both partners. Unless, of course, if people are willing to grow and develop.
What to do?
If you have the sane conflict in your couple, try to look on it with the new view: firstly, do it independently, and then do it together with your partner.
Imagine that you is “one hand” and your partner is the “second”. How could he complement you? I don’t speak about double force – I offer you to find some complement. Look on this question through the quality of the red and brown vectors. I assure you, amazing discovery is coming within such view!
I often work with couples who against the background of the conflict of these vectors reached the verge of a breakup. But this combination has a wonderful resource in any partnership, but it’s unused…
You probably know that anal vector, despite its modesty, has a great sexual potential. It is only needed someone who will "wake him up". Of course, a red partner can perfectly cope with this task. Brown partner often has “non-standard” erotic desires, and his red lover is always ready to experiments – he is just the ideal candidate. In addition, this couple has very harmonious, I would even say “correct” flow of sexual energy.
Of course, all Red people are always annoying Brown, because they never put things back. But, in turn, Red never can’t “find” “THAT place”, which his Brown partner is harping about.
But if they take a break from daily routine and think about something more (purchase or construction of a houses, apartments, etc.), they immediately find the scope of their different abilities. Red partner creates ideas and starts the process, and Brown continues and brings everything to perfection.
Of all the difficulties that stand in the way of such couple, I would single out only two. It’s really difficult to solve them – the pace of life and closed system.
The pace of life
What is easier in your point of view? If the Fastest are getting slowly or if the Slowest are getting fast? Most people are convinced that the first is easier: “If a man is slow from birth (brown vector), then he simply does not have the means to act quickly. But the man who used to do things quickly (red vector), can wait a little bit and temper his pace”. Alas, a lot of families were split up because of this common misconception.
No and no again! Red people can’t slow down, otherwise he will harm the health – as well as Brown can’t accelerate without losing touch with himself.
Just to know about these qualities in each other is already a huge step towards each other. And go out easy.
Here is the one more conflict. Brown sees family life as “closed” system – he doesn’t welcome polygamy. It is a kind of the basis for stable family. But Red partner needs freedom so much! Or rather, he needs the sense of his freedom. Even if he doesn’t have an affair, he wants to be sure that his Brown partner recognizes and accepts his freedom.
And the resolution of this “conflict of interest” sometimes is harder than all other problems combined.
By the way, if you have ideas how to resolve such conflict, please send! The most harmonious (for both) way will be rewarded with a bonus!
Red child and Brown parents
Brown parents follow their inner voice in parenting – they don’t follow externally imposed rules and stereotypes. But it doesn’t work with a red child. He often feels that all his free impulses are falling apart into a wall of incomprehension.
Two different worlds
What does mean the birth of a child for Brown parents? They naively believe that big family is more stable. They hope to create even more comfort and relaxation at home – because this is so important for brown vector! But no such luck…
A Red little baby is a huge stress for a leisurely Brown parent. In the first weeks of his life, his mother (and sometimes dad) feels increases anxiety, which can be put into words: “I do not have time ...”. No, no, this is not the usual turmoil reigning in the life of any young parents. This is a real race.
Red baby eats fast, he moves fast, he even is pissing fast. He constantly parses everything. Unwieldy parents just can’t keep up with him. In vain they wait for the child grows up a bit and it will pass. I assure you, it will only increase! I live already 11 years old, so I know what kind of “baby-angel”.
Here are the main Brown’s parent claims against Red child:
- “The Broom” – he sweeps away everything in his way (but heavy furniture left in place – only black kids can drop it).
- He is so messy! There is a mess at home every time.
- He eats so fast. Does he even chew?
- He can’t stay a minute in silence.
- He is constantly changing habits, friends, hobbies, ideals, beliefs.
- He has no authorities and to all of them says “No”.
- He… He… “He just won’t let me live in peace!!!!!”
So, what to do?
Brown parents try to bring back the child in their preferred pace of life. They do it absolutely from good intentions. “You can’t live an empty life without any structure and plan!”. They may be successful in this, because they have such quality as methodical.
In fact, a red child is very unstable, despite his leadership nature and teenagers “high-hat”. And it’s not difficult to press this vector.
But not everything is so terrible. If you look at the situation from a different “level”, we can see that the red Child is able to raise his Brown parents to another level of interaction with reality. And they, in turn, can give him invaluable skills.
What could prevents the parents to look at the situation differently?
- Pure accepting of red vector in themselves. Even when mom and dad don’t have a huge “red” potential, but the acceptance of red vector is poor, any manifestation of this vector in the child will enrage them pretty badly.
- Rejection “red” qualities in a partner. Some Brown moms who divorced with their Red husbands, have urethral kids. Unfortunately, their behavior is totally dad’s behavior (even if child has never seen his dad). Moreover, the more Mom tries to forget (“delete”) her EX, all the memories of his “destructive” behavior, than more her child shows these qualities.
- Poor accepting of the brown vector in themselves. I misspoke. If a person has a huge potential of brown vector, but its acceptance is not good, he will have too much claims to the red child.
You will ask, if you accept these two vectors as well (red and brown) in yourself, in your partner and in your child, will all conflicts and problems disappear?
Actually, not all. But you will notice some changes immediately. And it will be a huge changes - what you've been waiting for, but did not know how to get.
What to do if all my vectors are already well-accepted?
A similar “means” I described in the last article about personal relationships. It is necessary to change the point of view.
Usual Brown point of view looks like: the behavior or red child is unproductive (is wrong). We should instil a brown vector behavior (or orange vector behavior).
I offer a new view: Red child's behavior is naturalal and healthy for him. But if we “add” some qualities of brown vector (which, of course, any Red has), then the child will be more integrated, productive and successful”.
We are not going to take away “red” qualities, we are going to “add”. Then we meet a positive response instead of strong resistance!
So what do you think? Is it very difficult? Yes, the usual steps easier. But how effective is it?
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